Bloig Post #103 - Establishing a Positive Life Perspective

         In the last blog post I talked about taking steps to rid your life of negativity but THIS post is all about BUILDING POSITIVITY INTO YOUR PRESENT LIFE. I really don’t like “GETTING RID OF THINGS” because that, in and of itself, is negative, too BUT we’re MOVING toward being positive, and that’s what’s most important.  These posts are not meant to be step-by-step processes necessarily; they are meant to ignite possibilities for you. Try out some of these ideas and see if you don’t feel better, if you don’t have a brighter outlook going into your day.

·      Take Things Slowly and Don’t Judge Yourself! – If you’re trying to make a change in your lifestyle or just introduce more positive ideas into your life, you HAVE to remember that NOTHING happens over night! Personally, I like to put Post-its around in places where I know I’ll be during the day, if I’m trying to do something new consistently throughout my days. I would put them on my dashboard in the car, on the bathroom mirror, over the kitchen sink, on my nightstand, and on my piano. Sometimes, I’ll just write one word to jog my memory, like “SMILE.” It’s also very important to remember that you’re not going to do this PERFECTLY, even if you are around positive people and in positive situations most of the time. There’s still traffic, and missed alarms, and tripping over something you didn’t see. Maybe you work long days or don’t sleep well. GIVE YOURSELF GRACE, ESPECIALLY if you have been a “Glass-is-Half-Empty” kind of person previously! Remember how you “Eat” an Elephant…ONE BITE AT A TIME!!! This is a HUGE step you’re taking. It won’t happen overnight but it is SO worth all your efforts! If you make a big mistake, take a deep breath, FORGIVE YOURSELF, and start again. Then, the first time you “catch” yourself being positive about something you usually wouldn’t have reacted well to, FEEL GOOD ABOUT IT, CELEBRATE A LITTLE, and SMILE! You’re on the right road!

·      Build Your Personal, Emotional/Psychological “Home” With Strong, Positive Elements That Build YOU Up, and Make You Better Able to Move Forward Through Your World and Your Life! – If you WANT a more positive perspective and outlook for your life, it’s vitally important that you surround yourself with influences that lift you up and provide affirming support for you, rather than constantly being around things and people that can drag you back down into an abyss of negativity. When you consider the elements that “feed” and impact most consistently and significantly into your life, it may surprise you to recognize how destructive some of those things or people actually are. Most of us today are tied to our smart phones, computers, tablets, and every other form of technology some 14 to 20 hours EVERY DAY! If you stop for a moment to examine the content on most social media, it’s unbelievably depressing and negative. “27 ways Your Diet is Killing You”; “President WhateverHisNameIs threatens North SomewhereFarAway with a Nuclear Bomb that will Dwarf Hiroshima’s”; Twitter and Facebook and Instagram RANTS and CONFESSIONS… and on and on. There are negatives “explosives” ready at every turn to push you over the edge, and stress you out. So, what do you do? Hide your head in a hole? NO, you STEP BACK, BREATHE, and give yourself a second to re-set, adjust, and DECIDE what you NEED to know, and what is, IN TRUTH, just GARBAGE you are cramming into your Soul, stressing yourself out UNNECESSARILY! Think about your life for a minute. Consider how many ridiculous, and, ultimately, unimportant scenarios you have encountered just today. Do you really NEED to play hours of some seriously violent, dark video game to feel “better”? Do you need to know how badly So-in-So Actress is doing with her boyfriend? Do you need to crowd your mind with all the minutiae on Facebook, Tumblr, LinkedIn, YouTube, and Twitter? At some point, doesn’t all that just become NOISE? Is it truly FEEDING your spirit for good or might it be sucking the positive and the peace out of your precious time? Maybe I’m just weird but I would MUCH rather spend my time with things and people that I LOVE, and that make me FEEL GOOD or help me learn. I don’t need to pack every moment of the day with strangers’ comments or pretend I’m actually FRIENDS with 2,000 people I’ve never even met. My time is VALUABLE; my time is LIMITED; my time needs to be spent BUILDING my life and BUILDING the lives of OTHERS. I feel sadness for survivors of a natural disaster in another part of the world but, honestly, it’s better to spend time saying a prayer for those people’s families than listening and re-listening to gruesome details of carnage I can neither prevent nor change in any way. I hope you can hear my heart here. I’m NOT saying you should be insensitive, and I’m CERTAINLY not saying close yourself off from what’s happening in the world. What I absolutely AM saying though, is that I can potentially DO MORE and HELP MORE and BE MOST EFFECTIVE when I have been able to strengthen MY OWN SPIRIT and built up MY OWN KNOWLEDGE BASE so that I can affect a positive change in the lives of those in need.

·      Level Your “Molehills,” so They Don’t Become Mountains – There are, obviously, many situations in life that can cause stress or require pretty immediate attention, and those occasions can cause you to lose your newfound, positive perspective. It’s very easy to succumb to crazy pressures but before your “molehills” get out of hand and become overwhelming “Mountain Ranges,” there are a few steps I want to suggest to you to maintain your peace and positivity. Those of you that have worked with me know I talk a LOT about BREATHING. Well, good breathing techniques are NOT just for singing! Check out these ideas:

a.   Learn to Say “No!” – This is one of the craziest things about some of us. We might be “Glass-is-Half-Empty” people, and negative about everything all the time BUT we still don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings or put anyone out, so we don’t EVER say no. From an articulatory perspective, there is nothing complicated or challenging about producing either the ‘n’ sound, or the ‘o’ vowel sound. In fact, these are two of the very easiest, earliest, and least troubling sounds for the human body to produce. HOWEVER, the CONCEPT of “refusing” to do something, especially having to refuse that person face-to-face, is a cognition beyond which many of us are able to face. There was a popular Jim Carrey film some years ago called “Yes Man”, where Carrey was charged with replying to EVERY request with an affirmative answer. The movie follows him through a number of tricky scenarios because he COULDN’T say ‘no’. But, in Carrey’s case, he had agreed never to give a negative response, regardless of the safety or preference or awkwardness of the request. Sadly, though, some people who have no such requirement STILL only say ‘yes’ because they don’t know HOW to say ‘no,’ fearing repercussions. The result is a grumpy, tired, uncommitted individual who feels “pressured” into doing something when, in fact, NO ONE FORCED them to do anything; he or she just couldn’t say “No!” I CHALLENGE YOU, in this instance, to TRY saying ‘NO’ at points they might previously have affirmatively agreed in the past, or merely acquiesced under the pressure of the given situation when wisdom and self-control warn you to respond differently. I’m talking about when you “set yourself to fail” sometimes by overloading the number of errands you HAVE to run or the load of responsibilities on your plate, which makes you, not only, resent those you’re doing the errands for, but also run late to other obligations or you don’t have time to eat because you took too long when you were out; or consistently go to bed too late every night, so that you’re beyond exhausted during the day, and constantly complaining about what you have to do BECAUSE you’re overly tired or whatever; or people are always asking you to do things, so that you don’t have any time for yourself or time to rest, which makes you resentful and frustrated. These situations could ALL be stopped by utilizing that little 1-syllable, 2-letter word, ‘NO!” Setting proper and reasonable BOUNDARIES for yourself are healthy, wise, and practical for everyone. They allow you to prioritize the important things in life; have time to take care of yourself with food, fitness, and/or rest; and they contribute significantly to our well-being and ability to create and live with a positive lifestyle.

b.   BREATHE, SLOWLY AND DEEPLY – If you know me, you know I’m rather obsessed with breathing, good breathing technique, and learning to connect your breathing to your singing, playing, and/or acting. However, one of the GREATEST BENEFITS to breathing is the peace and balance it can bring. You’ve probably heard me say, “Count to ten, and do it again!” Well, apply that to breathing, and it’s incredibly effective at helping you calm yourself, or THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK, especially if you’re angry. A technique I teach to performers who grow anxious or fearful is to find a restroom, something every public building has. Go into a stall, close the door, and sit on the toilet. As you sit there, close your eyes, and place your hands in a relaxed position on your lap. Begin a deep, slow inhale. Count on your fingers to ten and then, slowly exhale to a count of ten. Once you’ve started deep breathing using your fingers as your “Stopwatch,” if it helps more, try to think of, and FOCUS on FIVE WONDERFUL THINGS OR PEOPLE that have occurred in your life. Maybe nothing truly positive has punctuated your life RECENTLY, but I guarantee there have been great occasions and/or people who have touched your life at earlier times. Maybe you got to visit the ocean or a beautiful lake one time. I, for example, got to go to Chicago for the first time when I was in 9^th Grade. It was my first plane flight, which was momentous enough but I also got to see an exhibit at The Art Institute of Chicago of real Rembrandt paintings like “The Man in the Golden Helmet” and “The Night Watch”. I LOVED that trip and always remember it very fondly. It doesn’t have to be anything on quite so grand a scheme, just something that made you happy like your first puppy. Focusing on positively impacting memories definitely makes it easier to balance out negative things, and even helps soften the effects of a LOT of the negativity. Continue to do this deep breathing 3 or 4 times until you sense that your spirit is lifted, and your perspective is lightened, until you FEEL more relaxed and at ease. You MAY need to continue for a few minutes but the benefits of peaceful self-control FAR outweigh to PRICE of any negative attitudes or actions. I gave birth to a child using nothing but slow, deep breathing; you can do almost ANYTHING if you simply breathe. Breathing brings life, and life is worth living positively!

c.    Bring Your Focus Back in Balance Before You Move Forward – Honestly, hopefully you’ve already done this from our exercise above but if not, here are a few other ideas to help you “reset.”

1.   In the next hour, perform 5 “RANDOMLY MOMENTOUS MIRACLES”. I never promised not to exaggerate a little here or there, so YOU may think this either impossible or ridiculous but I’m talking about one of the suggestions I gave you in my last post; do 5 things for someone else to lift THEIR day. For example, SMILE; offer and get someone else coffee even if it’s already free; say something nice about someone, such as you look nice today or great cap! I’m not saying you need to throw yourself in front of a bus but when you get your thoughts OFF OF how miserable YOUR life is and onto lifting someone else’s up, you get a “kickback” of joy and/or satisfaction; it feels GOOD. So, if you’re feeling REALLY lousy, go out of your way to make another person’s day better, and yours will follow suit!

2.   Sit down and FORCE YOURSELF to list, and I mean WRITE DOWN, 5 things that ARE positive, good, cool, or any other affirmative characteristic. It really isn’t difficult at all, NO MATTER WHAT’S GOING ON WITH YOU. There’s an old hymn that says, “Count your blessings; Name them one by one; Count your many blessings; See what God has done.” Think about the weather or the color of the sky or how sweet your neighbor is, or your dog or cat. Maybe you’ve had “one of those days.” Believe me, I have, so I understand, but at my lowest point, I can ALWAYS still stop, and remember MANY miraculous people, and circumstances in my life that make me blessed. We live in the United States of America; we are ALL “RICH”! I KNOW you don’t always FEEL that way but it is REALLY important to put things into perspective occasionally. We’re pretty spoiled getting to live where we do and HOW we do. Look around! There are all kinds of wonderful, positive things happening, you just have to open your eyes and your heart.

3.   Think about people you love and/or that love you. Even if you don’t go out, you just “talk” to people online, I’ll bet there are a few people you can be thankful for. I love my family and they love me. We don’t always LIKE each other but we ALWAYS love one another. I also have a few friends who, despite some awful “attempts” by me to alienate them, are true and faithful and loving. Think about those people in YOUR life. Maybe give one or two of them a quick call. Tell them how grateful you are to have them in your life. Thank them for loving you. These are all heart-lifting and soul-stirring movements toward a more positive you.

4.   Earlier this year I challenged people to start a “Positives” Jar. Mine isn’t a jar; it’s a plastic pitcher with a pour spout that snaps open and closed. I’ve cut up brightly-colored index cards into strips about an inch wide, and every week I write on, AT LEAST 4 or 5 of them. If YOU have a “Positives Jar” and you’re having a rough day, open the Jar and read a few of the great things that have already happened in your year. If you don’t have one, START ONE!!! I get a lift just by looking over at all the colors and the NUMBER of cards in the container.

5.   You’ve all heard the expression, “Practice Makes Perfect”. Well, moving from being a negative person or a “realist,” as someone recently told me, to a positive person doesn’t happen overnight; it takes time, patience, and PRACTICE. I’ve given you some great ideas in these two posts. Don’t try to implement all of them at once. Remember, BECOMING positive is like “Eating an Elephant”, and we “Eat” our elephants ONE BITE AT A TIME. Make sure you RECOGNIZE and CELEBRATE when you ARE positive, not just when you fail. CELEBRATE YOUR SUCCESSES and forget your failures; we’re moving FORWARD!

·      Fight Off Negative Fantasies! Maybe I’m the only one who does this; I HOPE I’m the only one, at least. However, I’m gonna share this just in case any of you struggle as I do. Some people call it day dreaming, and it does normally occur during the day but often mine are more like day “mares” rather than dreams. Say there’s a friend in my life who hasn’t called for a while but the last time I did talk to her she had an unexplained pain in her chest she was going to see a doctor about. So, I take that and run with it. I think, oh no, she’s got something horribly wrong like cancer, and she hasn’t called because she’s living at the hospital having tests and treatments performed, so busy she CAN”T call, and on and on. Now I get that this “day-mare” isn’t only negative, it’s dramatic but it’s VERY NEGATIVE without one shred of evidence to back it up. I think of myself as a pretty positive person, generally, but I find myself having these “day-mares” about how someone might react to something I’ve said, or how negatively something I do could be received by its audience. This is actually what people do oftentimes when they get “nerves” before a performance. They “Negatively Fantasize” that the audience is going to hate what they sing or how they dance or even what they look like, BEFORE THEY’VE SEEN OR BEEN SEEN BY THAT AUDIENCE! STOP THIS! With everything in your being, FIGHT OFF NEGATIVE FANTASIES! First, THEY ARE NEGATIVE; but secondly, THEY DEFEAT YOU BEFORE YOU’VE DONE ONE THING! Do yourself a HUGE favor, an enormous service…DON’T DO IT! Don’t shoot yourself in the foot or bite the hand that feeds you or any other cliché. You want to SET YOURSELF UP FOR SUCCESS, not failure, and avoiding negative fantasies is a very effective PROponent toward your triumph!

·      Discover a Positive Perspective in the Midst of a Seriously Negative Problem – I always marvel at people who are able to do what for me would be impossible – surgeons, circus performers, great visual artists, etc. But I find it equally miraculous and exemplary when a person faced with a horrendously negative challenge is able to transform the situation into a blessing for others. I heard a television character explain this concept in this way. He said that rather than being frightened by such a conundrum, he wanted to be INSPIRED by it, inspired not to freeze with fear, but to take a risk and do something positive. A positive spirit or “Determined Positivity” is contagious and it can spread epidemically if it is allowed to take root. Our family has a wonderful friend, Cindy Ciulla, who is THE MOST UPLIFTING, INSPIRING, and ENLIVENING person I’ve EVER met. Yet, FAR from obnoxious, Cindy’s attitude pours water over dry places in your spirit, and life to dead-feeling spots in your soul. She’s funny, cheerful, gentle, beautiful, and just the most sincerely sweet woman God ever made. I hope you know a “Cindy Ciulla”. She ALWAYS has a smile, even in her voice; she’s ALWAYS thankful and generous; and she’s ALWAYS as REAL and honest as you’d ever hope for. WHY? HOW? Well, Cindy has a strong Faith but part of that expresses itself best through LOVE OF ALL THAT GOD HAS PUT IN HER PATH. NO, she’s, definitely, not wealthy; she’s not an extraordinary genius, though she’s “Bright” in every way; and NO, she has NOT led a “charmed” life, AT ALL, but YES, she CHOOSES every minute of every day to be GRATEFUL FOR EVERYTHING in her life, good or bad, and she lavishes all those good and bad people and things with positive, non-judgmental, non-gossiping, ever-accepting, ever-encouraging LOVE. We should all set our hearts and minds on a quest to emulate those exact characteristics in our everyday live and learn days. Again, LIFE IS WORTH LIVING POSITIVELY!

Thank you for reading this post. I hope and pray it works into your life in a very fulfilling way. As always, I’d LOVE to hear from you with any comments or questions or further suggestions. If you have ANY other ideas about LIVING A POSITIVE LIFE, I would be a VERY grateful recipient. If you have any questions about me or about my lessons, please check out by website at www.SingitForward.net. Next time, I’ll be talking about MAINTAINING A POSITIVE LIFESTYLE but until then, remember SING IT FORWARD!!!