Self-Esteem Re-Structuring Part 4 - The NASTIEST Landmine - Please be sure you've read the earlier Self-Esteem Posts First!

             The nastiest of all the landmines deals with nerves and anxiety.  Every person experiences some level of nervousness; it’s only human (Look for an upcoming post on “Dealing with Nerves and Anxiety”).  The problem comes when those nerves overwhelm a person to the point of debilitating you.  This is made even worse when you anticipate, internalize, and essentially creates an untenable and un-winnable audition situation.  Thus is born the ultimate landmine.  People will psyche themselves into worrying so seriously, so much and so long, that when the actual audition time arrives, it’s like lighting the fuse on a real mine.  Unfortunately, a lighted mine will explode and since this is an audition, that explosion will almost certainly occur in front of a panel of judges.  It seems ridiculous to say but a flight of stairs can paralyze a person with acrophobia.  Strangely, a great cure is parachuting from an airplane; suddenly the flight of stairs doesn’t seem so terrible.  A similar activity needs to be conquered to overcome the trepidation of an audition.  Honestly, one of the most difficult things for a performer is to practice their audition material in front of friends or family, so this is a great way to practice overcoming anxieties in a safe environment.  Only when you have proven to yourself that you are capable of overcoming a task even more difficult than an audition, can the audition itself be put into correct perspective and dealt with accordingly.

            If earlier efforts have continued to be unsuccessful, it is important for the individual to come to grips with every detail he or she can remember or reconstruct of the major “fear factors” or obstacles that are forming the barriers between their success or failure.  If an individual has abuse in his or her background, it may be necessary to seek professional psychological help.  However, these obstacles don’t have to be events of such seemingly overpowering import.  Many times an older sibling or parent has teased the performer about imperfections or told him or her not to sing/act/speak because of some elusive, but strangely believable issue.  That “issue” is almost certainly not valid but this works very well as a bullying tactic if the performer already had insecurities.  In any of these cases, it is helpful to utilize “Safely Deposited Boxes”, (Contact me in the Comments to receive copies of this and other worksheet forms), a play on Safety Deposit boxes where valuables are placed for safekeeping in a bank vault.  “Safely Deposited Boxes” is a form for “writing out” the contents of these “boxes”.   In this instance, it is even possible to lump all the contents of troubled times into one “box” (in this case, write down all those contents) and simply destroy the sheet afterwards.  However, if a circumstance or occurrence has been especially disturbing or lasted a long time, such as abusive behavior, it may be more helpful to get a physical box with a sealable lid that can be fastened down, and then eventually, to destroy the entire box.  Writing down the names of persons who committed the wrongs, specific acts that were perpetrated, or even items that act as reminders of those acts, can be used to symbolize those events.  It is not necessary for ANYONE ELSE to “see” the contents of a list or box unless the individual wants help, advice, or encouragement and wishes to share the information.  The importance is not what is placed in the box but what can serve to help keep the items forgotten in order for an individual to continue living and to leave those painful things in the past.  If there are multiple obstacles, it is important to create multiple boxes as these specters don’t usually rear their ugly heads as a lump but instead, specific aspects of each will haunt people at the most inappropriate times.  There are also occasions when it is more beneficial to keep the “boxes” and keep them closed so the person is able to see that those contents are no longer available to cause further harm.  The purpose of these boxes is, quite literally, to place everything in the box that is hurtful, untrue, denigrating, and unproductive…everything.  The difference is that these “boxes” represent places that will never be opened again and are, in fact, “safely deposited” for all time.  This may take time, weeks or even months to accomplish.  The individual building this box should not seal it until he or she is certain it contains every painful memory, pernicious word or phrase, and every visual recollection that created this blockage. 

            A very important next step is to forgive the perpetrator.  The participant may be extremely reluctant to do this but, in this case, it is more essential for that participant, not specifically for the perpetrator.  In order to be forgotten, the action must first be forgiven.  The amazing vocal artist, Don Henley wrote a song called “The Heart of the Matter”, and chorus of the song says, “I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter; But my will gets weak,
and my thoughts seem to scatter, but I think it's about forgiveness, forgiveness; Even if, even if you don't love me anymore,” (Don Henley, 1989).  Once this is successfully completed and everything is safely deposited into the box, that container can be sealed and destroyed.  Again, this may take time for the individual, as he or she must feel they are now at peace with releasing all this pain and moving on.  If there is any doubt that the box’s contents are still incomplete, it is also advisable to keep the box, as this process must be thorough to the effective.  These horrors took time to become seared into the person’s soul; they will require time investment to purge.   

               Sorry this is so "dry" and I know it's a LOT of information, and it's a lot to process.  However, I also believe it can be really, really helpful if you follow everything honestly, patiently, and carefully.  This is a serious process; you may need help with this.  I have other information I can share to help you with this process but you need to reach out to me.  Please leave any questions and/or comments below, or contact me through my website at SingitForward.net

Thank you SO much for trusting me and taking this journey.  You will not regret this.  Every aspect of your performing and your life will improve!  Sing it Forward!